I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize