There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
