What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
