I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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