You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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