Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
