: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
