Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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