hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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