ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm getting married
To pizza
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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