Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
