and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
