oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
