Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
