Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
