I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
