guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
