I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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