just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
