Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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