ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
