I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
