You just made me feel so damn special
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
