the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
