tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
