I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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