Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
