you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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