Tell her she can't have a vagina
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
