You can't motorboat a personality
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
