He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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