I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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