Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Also, beer. Big fan.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
