if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
