sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Let's get the cat blown out
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
