coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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