Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
