dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
