You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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