I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
