There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
