im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
