loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
