I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
