Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
