I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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