Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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