Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize