If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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