the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
