My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
