my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
