I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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