Don't make out with my wife yet
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
