Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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