I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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