glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
