Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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